Channel 5's Celebrity Big Brother 2012

I was recently approached by Channel 5 to create their biggest trailer of the year for their Celebrity Big Brother 60second promo.The brief was that the HD promo had to be ‘Epic’ and have a very strong cinematic look and feel to it…with lots of visual effects and high production values.

I was on set as the technical director for the 3 day shoot and all through the post-production phase. I quickly put together a plan that would allow us to shoot all the shots in one small green screen studio. After measuring and positioning the tracking markers we were ready to start filming.

We shot everything on Imageynation’s new RED Epic at a huge 5k resolution which would give us the highest possible quality through the post-production process. It was important that we had this high resolution (and REDLog information) so that we could achieve perfect keying on the green screen footage and carry this high level of information right through the compositing stages into the the final grade (which was handled by Prime Focus).

Once we had all our footage from the live action shoot with Brian Dowling, Amy Childs, Kerry Catona and Jedward, we created low res proxies for the client to create an offline edit.
In the meantime my production company (Imageynation) started on the truly mammoth task of post-production. Firstly we recreated a complete 3D environment of the live action set.

Then we started to build the mountain top and opening scene which was completely 3D with CGI lightening effects.

At the same time while we were creating this opening scene, we also started to create the CGI for the green screen replacement. I took photo reference of the on-set props so that we could perfectly match and texture them in 3D.

Then we created CGI rocks to fit in the background of each shot and as we had already built a complete virtual replica of the set, we knew exactly which shot had which rocks in the background. We started by blocking out the scene with low-res poly models and then refined them later with high-res textures including dusting them with a sand material to really make them blend into the foreground props. Once we perfectly keyed out the green screen and corrected all the spill suppression, we could add the replacement CG background.

This was a fairly straightforward compositing process if the shot was locked-off, but if the camera moved at all then we needed to use the tracking markers to ‘match-move’ our 3D environment to marry flawlessly with the live action plate. This is a lot more complicated as the human eye can very easily spot any errors with depth perception and parallax.

Once we had all our rocks set in place, we added animated CG clouds with ‘God rays’ from over head which were also animated to give slightly organic movement to each shot.

As our compositors were creating the final touches to each shot and adding final details, we had also made a start on the monolith scenes. Channel 5 provided us with library footage for all the backgrounds of the monolith scenes. So we needed to create 3D models and add them to the backgrounds.
With some of the shots we needed to create tracking data from the footage so we could add the monolith stones and make them move as if they belonged in the footage. We then developed the particle FX as the monoliths crashed to the ground. We even did some sky replacements and painted out an entire field of cows (no cows were harmed in this process!).

Further effects were added to a few additional shots - distortion maps for when Brain’s staff hits the floor and when he waves his hand.

Finally we also added a few post-production anamorphic lens flares and the lighting for when ‘God’ speaks to Brian. With this effect, we added lens dirt to trigger when the lighting was active, this helped to sell the idea that the camera had actually captured this footage.

Once we had created all our shot sequences, we outputted all our files as REDgamma to give the grade artist maximum control over the files. We also outputted complicated multi-channel mattes so that the artist could grade certain parts of each image independently.

Channel 5 have been delighted with the work and considereing we only had 3.5 weeks to create everything before it was on air, I think the final look to the film portrays a lot of hard work that needed to be executed correctly first time.

I am exremely proud of this work and it was a dream project to work on and exercise a lot of creative ideas. The whole process was a joy and it is credit to Channel 5 for developing such an interesting script and also for not being afraid to go all out on such a big project in such a short space of available production time – they are a truly great client and a great team of people and I can’t wait for the next big production to work on with them.

You can view the full 60 second promo here:

Or you can vist the Imageynation website to view it here

Canon Vs RED

So the much anticipated 3rd of November has passed and now that the debris has settled, we have been left with two brand new film cameras.
Firstly Canon released news of a new camera to be the next step for the Canon 5D mark2! The new camera is the Canon C300 and it certainly is a step up from the Canon 5D mark 2…but then so is the price!


So it is a completely new camera really…the sensor is a rather large 8.29 Megapixel CMOS sensor which is the equivalent of a super 35mm camera. That’s a huge step up from shooting on a DSLR, I am currently unsure about frame rates, but it can be expected to be around the 50fps mark. It shoots MPEG2 in full HD and uses 4:2:2 colour sampling. It comes with a top handle, XLR audio outputs, and an LCD monitor and all the other usual gubbins you would expect.

All this seems a million miles away from its DSLR ancestor, the viewfinder seems to me like a cross between the Sony F3 and AF101, in fact…the whole camera looks more like the F3 to me than a DSLR. The camera isn’t really a next step up from the Canon 5D…Canon have simply made a completely different camera that is now high-end film quality that will compete with the F3 and Alexa…I’m sure this camera will become very popular with the TV series producers and commercails when it is out to buy in January 2012.

But how much does this step up in quality cost? Well that is a bit of a steep step. Canon say you will be able to buy this camera for $16,000 so probably around £12k-£14k when all the import duty and tax is calculated for the UK market. That is one hell of a step up in price! It strikes me that what made the 5D and 7D so popular in the first place was its amazing price point. It allowed people to shoot great quality at a very low cost (around £1,500-£2,000), so why have Canon made the next generation so expensive? Surely this will now make the camera out of most peoples budget and once again only the elite and film studios will be able to use it. It seems to me that Canon have missed a trick here and are now competing with the higher-end market with out any regard for the loyal DSLR user.

So if there is a gap still in the market…what would fill it!? Well that conveniently brings me on to the next camera that was released yesterday.

The New RED Scarlet X



This camera from RED is their new entry level camera and the little brother of the RED Epic

It uses the same body as the Epic and the only actual difference between the two cameras is the sensor (quite a big difference though)…so if you suddenly find that this is the camera for you, you can upgrade the sensor to the full size of the Epic and hey presto, you suddenly have an upgrade to the equivalent of an Epic. This modularity will be a great draw for many people wishing to start out in the business. The Scarlet sensor boasts a huge 5k at 12fps, 4k at 25fpsand 2k at 60fps. Like the Epic and RED One it will shoot REDCODE RAW. That’s a pretty big deal for post-production and makes this camera a serious film makers tool…but will it break the bank like the Canon? Well RED clearly have their brains in gear and have realised the gap in the market that Canon have just missed…which is really odd as it was Canon that defined it in the first place…so the price? Well that is a staggering $9,750 with a Canon mount so you can use all your current Canon glass…that will probably translate to about £8k-£10k in the UK market and makes it the most accessible ‘top-end’ quality camera around (expect Scarlet orders to start being shipped in early December 2010). OK, so you could still shoot on DSLRs with the right jobs and of course you could buy the cheaper AF101…but for the step up in professional quality and the modular aspect of the camera that will see the longevity of the investment run for many years, it really is the best choice as there is nothing like it for the quality and price. Forget teh Sony F3…that has just been killed by the Scarlet!

Competition in the camera industry is a great thing for the consumer, but I have to say I feel a little dissapointed by the new Canon camera. It’s a shame because as good as the Canon C300 looks on paper, I was really hoping they would have created something more accessible to the masses and a $16,000 camera is not it…thanks heavens RED are there when the other camera companies keep slipping up.

Killer DSLR or DSLR Killer

There are a few good things that happen in November that are noted on my calender. The obvious one being Bonfire night…but 20 days on and you hit my birthday, followed very closely by one of my younger brothers’ birthdays as well.

But this year, anyone interested in film making should have the 3rd of November stamped firmly into their diaries…Why? Well many of you are familiar with the huge DSLR boom in film making and mainly the contribution of Canon with their ‘game-changing’ (a phrase that is used far too much these days) 7d and the revolutionary full frame 5D

.

While Canon has some how become a beacon for the Indy film makers and accidentally fallen into the market of film making, they never fully intended to create a DSLR that would be used to make films. So it was some-what of a shock to find the ‘stills camera’ being adopted and used in this way. Naturally filmmakers like the beautiful image the full frame sensor creates, the array of accessible glass, the weight & size and more importantly the price… and all this at 1080p…it is understandable why the DSLR revolution was embraced by the low budget film maker, TV Commercials, TV series and music video industry alike.

The only problem with the DLSRs is that they were never really intended to be film cameras and so to use one correctly, you needed to have a host of add-ons and attachments in order to make it more like a traditional film camera.

So it has been greatly anticipated that now Canon have cottoned-on to what people want (and discovered this new market), they will make their next generation DSLR with the film maker in mind. So for the past few years, there has been great speculation about what this camera will be able to do and what it won’t…will it still have the rolling shutter or will it be a new mirrorless camera? There has been even more speculation about what it will be called…the Canon 8D or the Canon 5D mark3!

Well it seems like the wait is finally over. Canon have said that they have a very significant global announcement to make on November the 3rd http://www.cinema5d.com/news/?p=8026 So could this be the unveiling of their new camera? The forums are a blaze with speculation and now it is just 2 weeks till we all find out

So that is that…or is it?

Well as if that wasn’t a big enough announcement to make on that day, it seems that RED digital cinema also have an announcement of their own to make on the 3rd of November…is it a coincidence that two of the big power-houses are making announcements to the industry on the same day or is there a fierce marketing strategy going on here? Who knows…but what I do know is that it will be a day to keep watching and see what these two great heavy weights have to say because the only winner here will be the filmmakers.

Many are speculating that RED will be announcing the release of the RED Scarlet which is the little brother of the RED Epic.

It has a slightly smaller 3k chip but still boasts some very impressive statistics. This would certainly be a camera that would be competing with the DSLR market and probably hoping to coax the Indy market to take a step up in quality from the DSLRs and it will have a very aggressive price point to match…but is that really all that RED are going to announce?

This camera has been announced for quite some time and to simply announce that the camera is ready to ship is hardly breaking news. RED have a tradition of breaking the mould and being way ahead of the competition so I would suspect that when they make an announcement it is worth sitting up and taking note as they will probably blow us all away with what is to come.

So on the 3rd of November we could be seeing Canon’s new killer DSLR and then right after that we might witness the release of the ultimate DSLR killer, either way it will be worth watching this battle…Remember the 3rd of November…and then the 25th for my birthday!

My New RED Epic! mmmmmmmmmmmmm

The RED Epic has been a long time in the making, but pfwahhhh, was it well worth the wait!

This camera is the big brother to the very popular RED ONE cinema camera that was used on multiple big budget Hollywood films. This new addition to the RED family was described by RED leader ‘Jannard‘ as a ‘the most powerful motion and stills camera to date. 5K at 120fps, recording REDCODE RAW to SSD. A nuclear warhead in a matchbox.’

The EVF alone is a revolution, delivering 720p resolution in a unit more than half the size of the RED ONE EVF…then there is the touchscreen view finder which is intuitive and user friendly and feels very natural if your an iPhone user. The REDvolt batteries are lightweight and more than half the size of a v-lock or brick battery but they are still just as punchy on the power. The camera brain delivers a whopping 5k resolution and trust me the images are superb. At 5k res you can overcrank the camera to 120fps, but at 2k res, it can be upped to a staggering 300fps. Now that’s fast approaching Phantom territory!



So that pretty much sounds like a game changer for my type of work…and if that was all the Epic was capable of then I would say ‘WOW, that a fantastic new camera’…but wait, there is more…it only weight 4.5lbs, it’s not much bigger than a DSLR, that makes 3D a very real option now without your Cam op hating your guts. That makes it more than half the size of its nearest contender the Arri Alexa.



OK, so that is all pretty impressive, can it do anything else I hear you ask? Well how about this…the camera boots from cold in about 10 seconds, it has a remote control on the camera that can detached and operate the camera if it is in an unsafe position or at the top of a jib…it records to SSD cards (and they are fast)……there is a Canon mount for Canon glass which enables you to auto focus by touching the viewfinder screen, simply touch the part of the screen you want to focus on and hey presto, the lens will focus automatically…another fantastic feature is that the whole camera is modular. That means that camera can have audio modules, I/O modules attached to the camera and it can be fully built for studio work or it can be stripped down to a really light weight configuration.

but the best bit…the absolutely fantastically best bit is that is is all mine and ready to use on the next production! Everytime I film on this camera, things just go so smoothly that I feel like this!

New Website up and running

 

It was high time that the website was refreshed and so it is now up and running at www.neilhorner.com



Too busy for Social Media Suicide!

Being busy is a good thing isn't it?
I have been really busy on various projects over the last few months which has really seen the demise of this blog. However, I am all too aware that if you aren't keeping up to speed with social media, then you are not keeping on top of networking, marketing and all the other gubins that go along with maintaining a healthy informative website.

While being busy is a good thing, it is only ever the fruit of hard work in marketing and social media information. It's catch 22...invest lots of time in marketing and keeping people informed on what you are doing and then reap the benefits from work prospects...but as soon as you start to neglect the social media side, you possibly find a drop in future work. (fortunately this has not happened yet and work is good, but I need to be aware that by neglecting SM, I am inviting a lull in work and that is social media suicide)..it's time for me to remember the old saying, 'out of site, out of mind'!

So with that said, I am going to make a more active attempt to keep up to speed on my work and also keep up to speed on reporting latest news...starting with updating the website and adding the latest videos.

Neil

Fancy That script?...Something I never normally do!

Comedy is one of the more difficult genres to write and quite often it is very easily got wrong.

Therefore, I have recently written a comedy that I am intending to shoot in the coming months and I decided to post the script here for everyone to read. 'That's a dangerous thing to do before the film has been made', I hear you say. 'What if someone takes the script and makes it themselves'? Well, of course the script is protected, and it is more important to me to get honest feedback from independent people.

Very rarely do people outside the production get the chance to read a script before it is made and I think it allows you an insight to the original idea...right before it is compromised by a multitude of extraneous variables that creep in during the actual production. For me, this is like reading the novel and then watching the film. It will be interesting to see if the film comes out just as the script has intended.

so without further ado...here is Fancy that, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

(please forgive the format, this blogger will not allow it to cut and paste in a scripted format)

Fancy that!

by

Neil Horner

Draft 5

March 24, 2010

SLOW FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE BEDROOM - EVENING

A phone is ringing as we slowly pan around the possessions of the room. We can see a picture of a loving happy couple on a side board and we pan over a dressing table with an elaborate mêlée of makeup, hair staightener cables and hair brushes. We see in the reflection of the dressing table mirror SUSAN (38) an attractive woman with long dark hair. She is answering the phone with her back to our perspective. She is wearing a towel as if she has just got out of the shower.

Ring, ring…

SUSAN

Hello?

KAREN (39)

Hi Suse, it’s Karen (upbeat)

SUSAN

Oh, hi Karen…how are you?

KAREN

Yeah, I’m good thanks, I’m just returning your call from earlier. What’s up?

SUSAN

Oh, nothing much… it’s alright now.

KAREN

Why? What happened?

SUSAN

It doesn’t matter now, I am sure it will sort itself out at some point.

KAREN

Is it still the sex thing?

[pause]

SUSAN

(laughs under her breath) Heh, lack of you mean!

KAREN

So you are still having problems?

SUSAN

I read an article in a magazine today that said if he isn’t interested then he is probably getting it elsewhere…Ipso facto…I think he could be cheating.

KAREN

Look, don’t make the mistake I made…it doesn’t mean he is having an affair, perhaps you just need to spice things up a bit?

SUSAN

I have tried (exasperated)…Last month, I bought a sexy pair of ‘crotchless…panties’ from Anne Summers(matter of fact) which he thought were just an old pair with a rip in them...and told me I should buy a new pair!

KAREN

(giggling) Well then maybe you should try not wearing anything at all and if that doesn’t do the trick then you are bang in trouble.

SUSAN

Great, thanks for your support (unamused)

KAREN

Im serious…tell him you are wearing a ‘lurrrve’ dress.(laughing)There is nothing sexier to a man than coming home to his naked wife on their bed.

SUSAN

(Smiling) Oh get lost, some friend you are…

A car can be heard driving into the drive and lights shine in through the window. Susan looks out the window.

SUSAN

(Serious all of a sudden) Look I have to go, Steve is back from work and I'm not nearly ready.

KAREN

OK, well I got your costume, so just..

SUSAN

(Impatiently)Yep, yep, OK…we'll pick it up on the way…say eightish?

KAREN

Yep, fine..I wasn’t going to go until later anyway.

I hate these things.

Downstairs door closes

STEVE

Hiyeeee

SUSAN

(Shouts) IM UPSTAIRS!

(Quietly) OK, gotta get ready Karen, see you later, bye

KAREN

Don’t forget the ‘lurrrvee dress’

SUSAN

(Curt) Bye!

Susan is pensive and then a glimmer of mischief runs over her face. She drops the towel and jumps on to the bed as she hears her husband coming up the stairs.

SUSAN

(Quietly to herself) Love dress hey?

STEVE (44)

Your gonna hate my costume, but it is all that they had le…

Steve enters the room, he is a handsome man in a business suit and under his arm is a limp fancy dress rabbit costume with large ears and a big orange erect carrot. As he walks into the room he stops dead in his tracks by the appearance of his naked wife on the bed. He does not look happy.

STEVE

(straight faced and suspicious) What’s this?

SUSAN

‘This’ is my loooove dress (provocatively)

STEVE

(realising she is after sex and looking her up and down) It needs ironing!

Steve throws the rabbit costume on the bed which hits Susan and starts to strip as he runs the shower in the En Suit. Susan’s face is of complete shock as she is speechless and covers her body with her hands.

SUSAN

What’s that supposed to mean???

STEVE

(Shouting through) I can’t believe you are not ready. We need to be there in an hour. Did you get your costume?

SUSAN

(Under her breath)Oh get lost!

(Out loud)Karen has mine, we need to pick it up on the way.

Ding-Dong! The door bell is rang.

STEVE

(Shouting through) Fine, get the door would you?

SUSAN

I’ve got nothing on...you get it!

STEVE

We I am in the shower now aren’t I?

Ding-Dong! The door bell is rang again. A towel is thrown at her from out of the bathroom. Ding-Dong! The door bell is rang again. Susan wraps the towel around herself and goes downstairs.

SUSAN

(Angry) Ughhhhhh!

INT. HOUSE FRONT DOOR - EVENING

Susan opens the door and it is a very happily surprised neighbour BOB (46). Bob is an average looking older man with a cheeky glint, he is slightly over weight. When he sees Susan in just a towel his face beams.

BOB

Pfwaaaar! Susan, I didn’t know you cared (cheecky grin)

SUSAN

(Sincere) Bob, I’m so sorry about this…

BOB

(Cuts Susan short) Wait! I will give you 200 quid to drop that towel right now!

SUSAN

(Face disgusted) Err Bob, that’s a bit inappro…

BOB

OK, two fifty…right…now!

Bob has already reached into his back pocket and brought out his wallet. He counts out the money as she looks at him mortified.

BOB

Here, two hundred and fifty pounds!

Susan raises an eyebrow hears the voice ‘think it needs ironing’ in her head and as if being dared to do something she stylishly removes the towel in one hand and lets it dangle to the side.

SUSAN

Viola…do you think this needs ironing!

BOB

(Laughing and not able to believe his luck) Oh Susan (Huge smile)…I mean…WOW! You earned it! (holding out the money)

SUSAN

(Graciously plucking her winnings) I thank you!

Susan takes the money, turns on a heel and closes the door in one elegant move.

BOB

See you at the party! (As the door is closing, then looks through the letter box)

INT. HOUSE BEDROOM - EVENING

Susan is tucking in her towel as she enters the bedroom…she seems pleased with herself. She puts the money on the side.

SUSAN

(To herself) Well at least someone thinks I’m worth it.

STEVE

(Shouting through) Who was that?

SUSAN

It was Bob from next door.

STEVE

Oh, great!

SUSAN

He seems to think I have the breasts of a twenty year old! (triumphantly).

STEVE

Pah! Well did he say anything about your 42 year old arse?

SUSAN

No, You didn’t come up dear! (Smuggly)

Steve enters the bedroom.

STEVE

Har, har, well did he say anything about the 250 quid he owes me?

Susan looks visibly upset as she realises Bob has played a trick on her. Steve comes out of the bathroom and is nearly dressed. He sees the money on the bedside cabinet.

STEVE

Ahhh, well done Bob. (picks up the money) Wondered what I was going to have to do to get this back.

Come on, your not ready! (frustrated)

SUSAN

Why aren’t you wearing the rampant rabbit? (sarcastically and indicating to the costume on the bed).

STEVE

I’m going to get changed when I get there…I can hardly drive in it can I (sarcastic)…How stupid do you think I am? Now get a move on!

SUSAN

Im not going.

STEVE

What?...Why not?

SUSAN

I feel ill, so I’m going to stay here.

STEVE

Oh for ffff… Come on love, the whole family will be there…it’ll be fun!

SUSAN

Im not going and that’s that.

STEVE

Suse? Ugh…right…fine be like that!

SUSAN

Yeah, fine, I will.

Steve picks up his costume and walks out of the room shaking his head.

INT. HOUSE BEDROOM – An hour later

Ring-ring! The phone is suddenly ringing and Susan has fallen asleep on the bed. There is no sign of Steve. Karen is on the phone.

SUSAN

Hello (groggy)

KAREN

Susan! What’s going on? Im sitting here waiting for you (annoyed)

SUSAN

Ohhh, Im so sorry Karen, I fell asleep, but don’t think I want to go now.

KAREN

Whatever…I have a babysitter and a night off…

SUSAN

Steve has already gone though.

KAREN

Well then I will come and pick you up.

SUSAN

I really don’t think I…

KAREN

Tough, do you have any idea how much a babysitter costs these days?

SUSAN

SOPHIA is at her friends!

KAREN

I will pick you up in 15 minutes.

The phone clicks dead before Susan has time to reply.

EXT. CAR DRIVING IN THE STREET – NIGHT

We see Karen in a fancy dress costume driving and Susan in the back seat struggling to get into her costume. It is night and they are on their way to the fancy dress party.

KAREN

So why do you think Steve’s cheating on you?

SUSAN

Well…pffff, he doesn’t seem to be sexually interested in me anymore. I can’t remember the last time we had sex!

KAREN

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got! In other words, it’s all about a show and tell poker face. Hmmm…lifes like a game of poker! (realisation in her voice and pleased with her parody).

SUSAN

I’ve never played poker! Look do you need to drive so quickly, I’m not that desperate to get there…but I do want it to be in one piece. Can you even see in that thing?

KAREN

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Therefore, driving fast decreases ones exposure my dear!

SUSAN

(Under her breath)

Why do I take advise from you?

KAREN

Look, put on a game face and don’t show you’re hand. Be mysterious, men love mysterious, they will do anything for a mysterious woman. Failing that, the next best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it! (Laughs)

The car roars down the street apparently driven by a bright yellow chicken and a curious pair of legs dangling out of the back seat.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – NIGHT

Susan knocks at the door.

SUSAN

Now don’t do anything to embarrass-Hiiiiiiii

HELEN

Welcome, welcome. Now, don’t tell me, erm…Anna and Tim?

SUSAN

Erm, no, NO…it’s me Susan.

HELEN

Oh..hi SUSAN!

SUSAN

And this is my friend KAREN

INT. THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – HALL

HELEN

Welcome, come in. Now drinks are in the back and most people are in here so get stuck into the party, im just going to grab more ice. Lovely to see you both.

SUSAN

You too, thanks Helen

KAREN

Great, do I look like a guy in this?

SUSAN

Of course not! (Indicates Helen has been drinking)

KAREN

OK! Now don’t leave me with any weirdos right? Lets get a drink.

INT. THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – KITCHEN

A group of people are doing shots around a table and playing drinking games.

GAMESMASTER TERRY

Right (hiccup) next question. You are in a running race and you overtake the person in second position…what position are you in?

DRINKER #1

Ffffirst Plaace

DRINKER #2

Hmm, First

DRINKER #3

Yep, defo first

DRINKER #4

Erm, pfff, OK, yep firss-it-iss!

GAMESMASTER TERRY

Rubbish! If you overtake the second person, you take his place…so you are second aren’t you? Right down in one!

Susan and Karen walk into the kitchen. Susan sees Bob the neighbour laughing at the drinking games.

SUSAN

Hi Bob, have you seen Steve about.

BOB

Ahhh Susan, I nearly didn’t recognise you with your

SUSAN

Don’t!

BOB

Erm, he’s around somewhere, he said thanks to me earlier for the money I gave you. (smiles)

SUSAN

Yes, well…enough of that. (Looks around)

BOB (to Karen, nodding to the gamesmaster)

This guy cracks me up…he keeps tricking these other guys with trick questions. And the drunker the competition gets, the more women there are for me! (winks).

KAREN

Well you would never catch me out, I have a brain you see!

BOB

Oh really, well what if I could get you to say the number 30…three zero…what would you give me.

KAREN

Not going to happen little man, now go and bother someone else.

SUSAN

There he is Karen! I knew it!

KAREN

Which one is Steve?

SUSAN

There!

KAREN

Buggs Bunny?

SUSAN

Yes and he is all over that cheap tarty wonder-woman!

BOB

How about a kiss if I can get you to say Thirty?

KAREN

You could have whatever you want…I am too smart to play kids games and fall for a cheap trick.

BOB

Hmmm, really (beaming)

SUSAN

That’s it! I have had enough!

Susan goes to storm off

KAREN

Wait Susan, what are you going to do? It looks like innocent flirting to me…and he is at a party after all. It doesn’t look serious at all.

SUSAN

I don’t care, that’s wrong to be all over another woman while all along he won’t touch me!

KAREN

Maybe so, but think it through. If he is cheating you can’t call this proof. You would need to know for sure!

BOB

So how old are you?

KAREN

I’m thirrrr…I’m a year under forty. Sorry, you lose. (Aggravated)

SUSAN

You know what…your absolutely right! I don’t have any proof do I?

KAREN

Susaaaan? What are you going to do?

SUSAN

You said it yourself. I need to put on my game face.

KAREN

So?

SUSAN

So he doesn’t know I am here…and you picked up my costume, so he doesn’t know what I am wearing.

KAREN

And?

SUSAN

And so you want proof!

KAREN

This isn’t fair!

SUSAN

What’s not fair? I am just going to flirt with my loving husband and let's see how far he wants to take it.

KAREN

No, I mean you promised not to leave me with any weirdos.(grits teeth and glances sideways at Bob)

Bob smiles

SUSAN

You will be fine with Bob, he’s not a 'real' weirdo.

Susan leaves

INT. THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – PARTY ROOM

Susan walks over to where tarty Wonder-Woman is grinding on Bugs Bunny's lap. As cool as she likes, SUSAN whispers something in Wonder Woman's ear. Wonder Woman looks at SUSAN in mortification and suddenly gets up and walks away. Bugs is oozing confusion through his costume. Susan resumes the same position as Wonder-Woman had on Bugs' lap.

SUSAN

Whaaaats up Doooooooc! (patronising)

BUGS BUNNY

(muffled) Heeey, what did you say to her?

SUSAN

Nothing, I just told her that her husband was looking for her?

BUGS BUNNY

OOOH...she was married? ...Ouch!

SUSAN

That's right, how terrible to be married and get caught grinding against a complete stranger?

BUGS BUNNY

Well love is blind...but marriage is a reeeeeal eye opener! heh heh.

SUSAN

Oh!

BUGS BUNNY

Fortunately we weren't doing anything, so her husband can't complain...and now your here!

SUSAN

Exactly, so let's find out once and for all if you are a good Bugsy bunny or a dirty little rampant rabbit! (provocatively and downs her drink and starts to lap-dance him)

INT. THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – KITCHEN

GAMESMASTER TERRY

Neeeeeeeeeeeeext question! IF...you overtake the last person in a race...what position are you in?

DRINKER #1

Second to last!

DRINKER #2

second to laaast

DRINKER #3

burrp! hm

DRINKER #4

Ssssecond lassst...

GAMESMASTER TERRY

All wrong! How can you overtake the last person? DRINK!

DRINKER 4 falls off his chair and under the table

BOB

Hah hahahaha! (laughing he turns to KAREN)

Did you know that women use around 'tttttthirty'...thousand words a day to a mans 15,000...bloody naggers (whispered under his breath while turning away)

KAREN

That's because women have to repeat everything to their stupid men!

BOB

What? (turning back)

KAREN

Exactly!

BOB

Well if you like numbers...

KAREN

Ugh!

BOB

What is twenty plus nine?

KAREN

You won't get me to say it! (amused)

BOB

Go on...

KAREN

twenty...nine!

BOB

Good, now subtract nineteen.

KAREN

...Ten (overly cautious)

BOB

plus three, what's the answer?

KAREN

Thirteen (suspicious)

BOB

Wooooooooooohooooooooooooo, hahahahahaha! In your face, got you to say it! Hahahahahah

KAREN

(Annoyed) NO...no you didn't, you said don't say thirty, not thirteen!

pause

BOB

Waaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha! Thirty, thirty, thirty! (huge grin)

KAREN

Oh...shit!

BOB

Berrr, I'm just too intewigent to fall for cheap tricks...you can have whatever you like! (beaming grin)

INT. THE HOUSE OF THE FANCY DRESS PARTY – KITCHEN - moment later

SUSAN enters the kitchen and grabs a drink. She looks around and to see the back of Karen. She grabs KAREN on the shoulder to spin her around.

SUSAN

KAREN?

As she pulls her around, she sees that she was kissing BOB. BOB has a very 'cat that got the cream' look upon his smug face.

SUSAN

Eeeeeeeeeeeew, what are you doing?

KAREN

Oh GOD, get me out of here

BOB

Come on in SUSAN, the waters lovely!

SUSAN

Shut up BOB!

KAREN

What happened?

SUSAN

We are going up stairs for a spell.

KAREN looks over SUSANS' shoulder to see BUGS BUNNY standing up doing pelvic thrusting actions

KAREN

WHAT!? NOOOO! No SUSAN, this is wrong...your going to end up very upset.

SUSAN

I want proof to see that MY husband is a cheater.

KAREN

So you are going to sleep with him knowing all along he thinks you are someone else.

SUSAN

Hey! I am not doing anything wrong! And it will be the first time in a long while that we have slept together...so win-win!

KAREN

This isn't winning, this is very...wronging!

SUSAN

I know what you are saying, but I need to see how far he is willing to take this...I need to know...to see if he is committed or not.

KAREN

You want to see a committed man, look in a mental hospital, don't do this! You haven't even said hi to your relatives yet!

SUSAN

This is one poker game I won't lose...remember?

At that moment a dancing and elated BUGS BUNNY arrives and pinches SUSAN on the bum, she jumps.

BUGS BUNNY

I'm ready to go down the rabbit hole?

KAREN

Eeewwwww!

SUSAN

Yes, yes, coming now. Lead the way Rogering Rabbit.

SUSAN and BUGS BUNNY start walking way down the hall

BUGS BUNNY

Your the one who's going to get a rogeri...(fades out as they walk away)

KAREN

You shouldn't do this, you don't know what you are doiiiing! (Calling after them)

BOB slowly appears over KARENS shoulder

BOB

But I know what you will be doing (big grin)

KAREN

Awwwww...

FADE TO BLACK

Fading in we hear the sound of bed springs being vigorously and repeatedly compressed and released. Is someone having sex?

A blurry bright room starts to come into view and gradually the room comes into focus. It is morning and a small pair of feet are bouncing on the bed.

SOPHIA (6)

Mum, wake up muuuuuuum.

Mum is hungover and feeling very delicate.

SOPHIA

Wakey, wakey silly sleepy head!

SUSAN

OK, OK sweetie, I'm up...please stop bouncing, mummy doesn't feel very well.

SOPHIA

Okay, I will tell daddy you are up.

SUSAN

Oh, your dads here is he?...

SOPHIA runs out the bedroom shouting and then goes down stairs.

SOPHIA

DAD? Mums awake!

STEVE appears at the bedroom door.

STEVE

Morning honey, you in a better mood this morning?

SUSAN

You seem very happy today...have a good night last night did you?

STEVE

er...I did actually yes, you should have come along, you'd have enjoyed it.

SUSAN

Oh would I now?

STEVE

Well, yes...I always have a better time when you are around.

SUSAN

DO YOU! Meet any nice women last night?

STEVE

er, NO!

SUSAN

Oh really...you didn't meet any women at the party.

STEVE

No love...I didn't really meet anyone. When I got there I was already late, no thanks to you...so as soon as I arrived, I met PETE and the guys and played poker all night in the spare room!

SUSAN

Poker!?

STEVE

Yes...poker. I had a pretty good night too as I had that £250 that BOB brought round for me and turned it into £600!...Good ey?

STEVE produces £600 and puts it on the bed. SUSAN knows this must be a clever diversion. SUSAN is thinking suspiciously while STEVE is getting ready to go to out.

SUSAN

Well you must have looked pretty stupid playing poker in a big rabbit costume!

STEVE

Don't be daft...no, my dad didn't have a costume ...miserable git!

SUSAN looks visibly worried as if she knows what is coming next.

STEVE

So I let him have mine while I played poker...

SUSAN looks shocked as the nights events kick in.

STEVE

e rang early this morning...said he had the best night of his life...definitely wasn't the same party I saw. (sarcastically)

SUSAN is silent and her mouth is wide open in shock!.

STEVE

So you see, you shouldn't be so suspicious of me all the time...that suspicion will get you in trouble one of these days!

SUSAN

Um hmmm

Camera slowly dollies in to a visibly shaken SUSAN as she realises what she has done.

FADE TO BLACK which brings us to

THE END

Please do let me know what you think, constructive feedback is always very welcome.
Neil

My Dream Machines Mini-pilot

Here is a cut-down version of the pilot TV episode I directed in central London. It is for a new TV show called 'My Dream Machines'.


My Dream Machines mini-pilot from neil horner on Vimeo.

Filming in Central London? Make sure you have the paperwork or you are Bond to get stopped!

I have filmed in London on a few occasions now and there are certain protocols you need to follow in order to make sure you are filming legally.

Many London boroughs are happy to encourage film makers to make films in their territory and they go head-over-heels to help and see that you get the support that you need. But some of the major councils require a fee for you to shoot, so always make sure you have checked out with the local council where you are planning to shoot and they will supply you with the right information, licences and fees.

I shot a short film in Westminster last year and it was at the same location that they had filmed one of the Bond films (Quantum of Solace) earlier.

The local film council are used to conducting large location fees for these sort of films and aren't overly fussed with worrying about films on a tight budget. If you have planned to shoot in a popular spot, and not checked out the council fees, you could end up blowing your budget on fees and not on filming. Of course I hear you say 'well if I am on a budget, then why not shoot gorilla style and shoot it anyway without them knowing?'

Well to be honest, that is an option...and there are lots of people out there grabbing the shots that they need without the correct permission in a snatch and grab manner. But it is a risk that sometimes just isn't worth taking. If any accidents happened while you were filming, then you should not have legally been there in the first place and so insurances would be void (don't talk to me about filming gorilla style and not having insurance...there is a difference between fast paced gorilla shooting, getting the job done and getting home...then there is just plain amateur night).

Also, the police are uber-sensitive about shooting in any restricted areas. So even if you have the correct licences, you need to be prepared to stop and pull them out every 5 minutes. Also expect to have a film council inspector drop by to check you are acting accordingly and not blowing up a building when you only told them you were going to gently dust the area in feathers. They are very strict and you must adhere to what has been agreed with them (we nearly got shut down on one occasion when an inspector said that the camera crane was...and I quote, 'larger than I imagined', even though we had given the specific dimensions and footprint of the crane).

But if you DON'T have a licence when you are stopped...well then you are in a bit of trouble. The police have the powers to shut down the entire shoot immediately and indefinitely, plus you could be looking at a hefty fine...but more importantly than that, if you were ever wanting to be a serious film maker, your reputation will be tarnished forever in an industry that is a very tight-knit community. Still worth it?

Last month I had the distinct feeling of deja-vu as I was again asked to film in central London with a Bond connection. I was asked at short notice to film two of the original Bond cars, the Aston Martin DB5 from Goldfinger & Thunderball and the fantastic Aston Martin DBS which was from Quantum of Solace.

We were to film roaming across London at some of the most camera shy locations you will ever find...The Admiralty building in Whitechapel, Admiralty arch in Pall Mall, past Buckingham Palace and on to do a spot of filming outside Mi6 (as you do).

It sounded like a fantastic shoot to be involved in, but one of my first questions was...'do we have the licence?...Yes? Great, lets go for it!'

The next day (day of the shoot) we had a problem with the licence. Someone had not put through the correct paperwork and we now had 2 original Bond cars in the centre of London with a full film crew and none of it was legal! At this point I was none the wiser and believed that the licence was on its way so I headed off to prep our first location. There were two police officers conveniently sat in a patrol car at the exact location I wanted to shoot. So I asked them if they would mind moving and that we had our licenses on the way for them to see. When they found out we were shooting the original Bond cars, they seemed more interested to see the cars than the licence.

Finally we had shot on location one and I had been too busy to see any licence. I just assumed that we had it and we were good to move on. We started to shoot at the back of Admiralty building and immediately another police car appeared. We were asked to produce the licence and so I rang the producer, asking him to bring it over. When they saw the two Bond cars they just got back in the police car and drove off...I can only think they also assumed that such a high profile shoot would naturally have the correct licences in place. Add to that my complete confidence when talking to them (as I honestly believed we had it) and they were happy.

A little later on and we were doing an interview with Royal Navy Commander Northwood.

He decided to stay with us for the journey through London and then on to Mi6. We didn't realise at the time what an asset he would be to us, but it was around this time that it was seeping in...we didn't have a permit to be here!

Just after we had finished filming Mi6, the two Bond cars, film car and additional secret service car was driving on to the next location. As the convoy pulled up in Pall Mall, an officer on horseback (of all things) trotted right out into the centre of the cross roads and stopped the cars and the shoot.

He wanted to see licences there and then...and guess what, we couldn't provide them. But fortunately we did have with us a Royal Navy Commander (real life Bond) and 2 armed secret service agents! I implore you if ever you are pulled over by the police to carry a Navy commander and 2 secret service agents with you at all times as the impact of these guys will make any ticket bearing officer/warden disappear in an instance. Joking aside, we were very,very lucky on this shoot, and we could have been closed down at any point (and rightly so), which would have wasted everyones time, effort and a whole day of filming costs.

So what have I learned from this? Always make sure you have the legal right to be at your location and always SEE (and check) your licence/permits. Then there can be no mistakes and you will be safe in the knowledge that you are actually allowed to be there.

The pressure of shooting a film on time and on budget is big enough, you don't need to add pressure to the shoot by worrying about being shut down. Failing that, try shooting something with a value in excess of £7m and hope that the mere spectacle of it will beguile and dazzle the law long enough to get your filming done!

All the info you could ever want when filming in London can be found at www.filmlondon.org.uk/filming_in_london